Spiral Into Despair

I was writing in a notebook to have a journal of my thoughts and feelings but my hand cramped up. Living with lupus, aches and pains are a normal part of my day. I come here to rant because I know no one actually reads these things.  I know no one will ever see this one as I write it completely anonymously. I have another blog that I use my name and actually post stories that I want people to read.  Today I wrote a poem about killing myself and posted it to my facebook/twitter/google page. One friend “liked” it on my facebook, but I know she didn’t actually read it.

The desire to end my life is becoming more intense every day. I live with my parents and while my Dad and I get a long, I can’t stand my mother. In 41 years I honestly can’t recall her ever saying anything positive to me or about me. “You could be so pretty if you’d just lose weight/wear makeup/ hang with the right people/work the right job.” I honestly don’t think she knows anything about me.

I’m 41. I have cardiomyopathy, diabetes, sever depression and lupus. The last few jobs have either triggered a lupus flare and caused every joint in my body to seize up (which hurts like a son of a bitch) or I’ve gotten panic attacks that brought me to my knees to the point where I was barfing up my toenails. All of this is completely exhausting so I sleep a lot. And I do mean A LOT.

Right now I’m struggling with the heat and sunlight of a texas summer. It triggers migraines, muscle spasms and just generally leaves me hot, sweaty and miserable.

I tried working for myself by starting a pet sitting business. All of my friends encouraged me and I find working with animals to be therapeutic. My mother told me it was a stupid idea, because everything about me is stupid. In this case she was right. I just don’t have the people skills to ask for business. Two months in and I haven’t been able to get a single client. All of my friends who were going to use me suddenly disappeared. I’ve no idea why. I’m way better with animals than I am with people.

The final kicker was what my mother said to me after I took the door magnets off of my car. I’d taken them off to run the car through the wash.  The blowers on the thing fold my front license plate us like a taco, so I wasn’t certain if the magnets would survive it.  When I came home, my mother tells me, “Oh I’m so glad you took those tacky magnets off your car. I was so embarrassed having that sit in my driveway.”  Ouch.

So two weeks ago I started driving for Uber. There are risks to be sure, but I kind of enjoy it. I can work when and where I want to and I met some really nice people. Mom started bitching me out for not working and I confessed that I was working. She through a gigantic fit when I told her. Apparently that’s not the “right” job for the pompous primadonna’s daughter. Now every time I leave the house she demands to know where I’m going. It’s like being in prison.

No, she wants me to become a teacher. That’s the “right” job for me.  I tried that several years ago but apparently that has slipped her mind. I worked a year as a substitute. First of all, the germs in dealing with children rocked my little world. I have never been so sick in my life.  Then I got “fired” from one school because I lost a 2nd grader. “How does one lose a second grader” you ask?  I’ll tell you how. The elementary school that I want to offered no support at all. I had no idea what to do and there was no one to help. So end of day comes and stupid me trusts the children to know what they’re supposed to do. When they announce that the walkers – students allowed to walk home – are dismissed, this one little girl told me it was ok for her to walk. I didn’t know. I had absolutely nothing to go by, so I let her go. An hour later I get a frantic phone call that this child is missing. I literally almost threw up and offered to come back to help look for her, which was declined. They did find her out walking an hour later – unharmed, thank God. But the next day the principle called to tell me that I was an irresponsible idiot, what would have happened if the news had found out, and I would never be asked back to their school.  I never subbed again and to this day I get sick to my stomach whenever I even think about it.

I tried writing again. I used my uber experience to write an intro to a story that I thought was interesting. My “support group” savaged it and I cried. Apparently I don’t have the chops to be a writer either.

So where does that leave me? Tired. Fed up. Hurting. Lonely. Hopeless. Some days I want to die so bad I can’t stand it. I’ve even found myself debating the best way to hold the gun – mouth or side of the head.  I mean, that would cover all of my mother’s issues with me. In the grave she’ll always know where I am. She’ll never have to pay another penny toward my support or worry what’ll happen to me when she’s gone. Plus imagine all the attention she’ll get from my death. “Oh your poor dear. We’re so sorry for your loss.”  She’ll eat that up like a fat kid at an all you can eat candy buffet.

I’m scared. While intellectually I know suicide is the best option for me, and my family, I’m too chickenshit to do the deed.  Maybe my Mom’s right about how lazy and useless I am after all.

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Feeling Better Today

I’m feeling a little bit better today. The brutal depression has ebbed a bit.  The anxiety is still simmering just below the surface, but my desire for self harm has passed.

Here’s what I’m thinking today: work through a temp agency as a backup receptionist while I work on my writing. I think if I have variety I won’t get bored or tired as quickly. I don’t deal well with boredom. And I’m committed to not doing accounting anymore.  I just hate it. It’s too stressful for me anymore.

I really want to work on my writing but I need income too.  There’s a lot of research that needs to be done but I realize I just can’t work a normal 8-5. Between the depression and anxiety it takes very little to set me off and I get exhausted so easily.  I need to work on my schedule (ie all night) and be able to sleep when I need to (ie all day.)

I love going to the library and book stores. I could easily spend my days lost in books if I didn’t have to work for a living.  I see all these interesting titles and can’t help but wonder how I’m going to stand out above the rest. All I can do is keep churning stuff out and hope something sticks. I just have to start doing it. Practice and all that jazz.

I was bad and spent my tax return money on a new computer. My tablet just wasn’t strong enough to do the job.  I picked a cheap one, but it’s better than my tablet. The tablet’s nice but it’s a bitch to type on.

So that’s my thought process at the moment. Hopefully I’ll have more good days than bad. Wish me luck!

Spectacularly Horrible Day

So yesterday was a spectacularly horrible day.  It was the third day of a new job with a great company. The company was great, the people were fantastic. The problem was the job itself.  Accounting just boggles my mind. I completely freaked out and literally ran out on the job.

I was afraid that would happen and in my gut I knew that I just shouldn’t accept the job. Mom and Dad haven’t said anything to me about my lack of gainful full time employment, but I know them well enough to know they’re thinking it.

I’m actually glad they haven’t been down on me about it too much, because honestly I don’t think I could handle it. My depression has been severe of late and the desire to end it has been strong. You see, I’m 41 and have zip to show for my life and little hope of that ever changing.  I can’t hold a job. I still live at home. I have cardiomyopathy, diabetes, lupus and major depression.  My parents don’t believe in mental illness or lupus and they think that if I ate right and exercised that the cardiomyopathy and diabetes would take care of themselves. They may be right. But if I have to choose between a cookie today and death tomorrow or living forever on a diet of leaves and dirt, it’s been nice knowing you.

But the pressure and anxiety of being jobless, in debt, and guilty for being a burden on my parents is seriously starting to weigh me down. I feel almost panicky, like I’m trapped in a rut and can’t escape no matter what I do. I have 100 more reasons to commit suicide than I do to keep fighting to live. I guess the bottom line is that I’m a lazy coward. What if I kill myself today and I was destined to win the lottery tomorrow?  Highly unlikely I realize, but the thought crosses my mind. And I’m just afraid it will hurt. What if I survive? That would be a nightmare and God knows the way my luck runs, it’s more likely than you think.

When people try to talk others out of suicide they always tell you to think of the people around you, and I have.  It might be rough in the short term, but honestly I think long term everyone would be better off.  I don’t have a family of my own, and I’m not a major influence in my nieces lives. As a matter of fact, I’m probably a negative influence – an example of what not to be when you grow up, so my departure while they’re still young might be a boon.

And it would be difficult on my parents at first. I mean, emotionally it can’t be easy to lose a child.  To them I’ll always be a little girl – not the fat, lazy, terminally unemployable adult that I am now. Long term though my mom could decorate the house any way she wanted, it would stay clean and they wouldn’t have to continue supporting me financially. If it weren’t for them, I would have died when my heart failed 15 years ago. Honestly they’re the only reason I’ve kept going as long as I have. I’ve always believed that it would fall to me to take care of them when they’re older but now I realize that I’m not kidding anyone.  I can’t even support myself and without them I would be totally lost.

The real reason I don’t check out is that deep down, I’m a coward at heart. I’m still slightly more afraid of dying than I am tired of fighting. But every day the scale shifts a little more.  I’m waiting for the justification – the day my parents come down on me and tell me to get off my lazy ass, find a job, and stick with it no matter how completely overwhelmed and stressed out I am. I’m waiting for the day when my mother comes down on me again about how she worries about what will happen to me when they’re gone. When that day comes, they will have finally given up on me and it will then be ok for me to give up too.

The sad part is I’m looking forward to that day. All I need is the excuse and I’ll check out of this plane of existence once and for all. Peace at last.

Job Seeker Frustration

If you’re reading this post, accept it for what it is – me venting frustration.

After being in accounting for the last 7 years, I decided I needed a change. But once you’re pigeon holed in a certain career, it’s damn near impossible to take a different path. I desperately need a job, but I haven’t gotten a single call back on any of the administrative positions I’ve applied for. With all the apartment complexes going up in the area, I thought for sure I could find something in leasing. But no, if you don’t have experience they don’t want you. And they all use this online personality test, which apparently I didn’t do well on, so I’m essentially screwed.

I’ve thought about taking another tedious, brain dead, miserable, AP job just for the income, but the thought makes me physically ill.

I’m so depressed that I’m seriously considering suicide.

Pondering the Future

I’m still unemployed. Yes, I know it’s only been three days, but I have no leads and that worries me. The problem is, as it’s always been, that I have absolutely zero idea what I want to be when I grow up. Considering that I’m 41, I know that it’s past high time I figured that out. I’ve been thinking about it a lot the past few days.

For a long time I’ve fancied that I want to be a writer, but when I sit down to write I produce crap. I’m also an avid reader so I know crap when I see it and am therefore qualified to proclaim my work as such. As in real life, I have no idea as to the direction I want to take a writing life. I don’t know what to write about, and I’m uncertain that I could, even if I did. Plus there are so many wanna be writers out there that I realize I just don’t possess the drive or ambition to get out there and compete.

I’ve been considering other interests – like working in Academia. I miss my college days but I realize that while I enjoyed the rigors of being a student – at least in subjects that interested me – I don’t quite possess the skills to teach it. Standing in front of a room full of people would be mortifying and if some arrogant jerk challenged me, I know I’d completely fall apart. I’m not good at remaining calm and confident in those situations. I tend toward red-faced and flustered or worse, tears.

I tried teaching on the elementary level several years ago and it was a smashing failure. I got banned from a school because a child in my care wandered off and got lost. Clearly I’m not good with the young ones so I thought perhaps teaching on the high school level might be better. And then I came to my senses. I mean, teenagers, really? I didn’t like them when I was one. They are the quintessential example of rudeness and disrespect, plus you also have to deal with their parents. No thank you. And in this age some of them can be quite dangerous.

So then the bright idea occurred to me to get a master’s degree and teach on the JC level. My reasoning was that if students were paying for it, then they’d take it more seriously, but who am I kidding? In addition it would mean taking the GRE and taking 2 years of graduate classes. How would I pay for it?  The closest grad level college is over an hour commute away. I’ve had no luck with online courses. I can work full time or go to school full time. I just physically can’t do both.  After a long day at work, I come home and pass out – literally. I’m so exhausted that I’m asleep by 7pm. That would be a lot of work to save until the weekends. Besides, when I’m working full time I’m usually so exhausted that I sleep through those too.

And if I somehow managed to figure out the financial angle, what would I study? History? Psychology? English? I’d need to brush up on any of them honestly. I don’t think I know enough to jump in on a Master’s level for any of them, and I’ve no idea how I’d get letters of recommendation that programs seem to require. I don’t know any professors any longer – and as a socially phobic introvert, networking has never really been my strong suit.

So I’m languishing, trying to decide if I want to be a broke receptionist or a broke office admin. Unfortunately crawling up in a whole and disappearing forever isn’t an available option at the moment.

Thought Therapy

I’m in the throws of a wicked case of depression and hopelessness. Yesterday I left yet another accounts payable job.  I always find myself bored, frustrated and easily stressed out. That’s what happened at this last job.  I knew before I even started that it wasn’t going to last. The manager was one of those women who talk constantly but never actually say anything.  She’s one of those people that if she can’t dazzle you with brilliance, she’ll baffle you with bullshit.  I typically don’t do well with people like this. I find that they’re busy running their mouths but when it comes right down to it, they don’t know what the hell they’re doing. This was definitely the case at my last job, and I don’t have the good sense to not point it out to them. I guess therein the fault is mine, not hers. But I’m out a job, again.

I need something that challenges me on an intellectual level, but is not so impossible that it drives me insane. Problems drive me nuts and like a bulldog on a bone, I just cannot let go. While my intelligence and dogged determination can be invaluable on the one hand, my inability to let things go, to take things personally and to flame out fast counteracts those positive attributes.

In addition I have a very hard time dealing with people. Generally speaking, I loathe the whole of humanity and would give anything to live the life of a hermit. In this day and age it isn’t exactly feasible and I am not suited to a life living off the land.  I went for 9 straight years getting stung by a wasp at the front door of my home every summer. I’ve been attacked by a bird in my own driveway.  Nothing says “Good morning” like getting smacked upside the head by a little fluffy bird while walking to your car for the morning’s commute. Essentially, nature and I are not friends so a life of living off the land would end badly. But that doesn’t change the fact that I long to win the lottery and live out my days in relative isolation. Oh and by the way, a cat got that bird later in the day. I do love cats.

Even though I don’t particularly like people, I tend to be extraordinarily good at in interacting with them. Most people would describe me as “intelligent and funny.”  Yes, I’m smart enough to use humor to deflate the situation and prevent myself from pummeling you.  Go me.

The core of my problem is money. I need it. I want it. And I thoroughly suck at earning it. There are things that I would like to do – move to a college town, become a life long student, travel across Europe – but I can’t because there’s never any damn money. I think location is a huge part of my problem. I live in one of the largest cities in the US, and I hate people. I’m surrounded by them and there’s no escape. I vaguely remember in college a discussion on rat studies concerning overcrowding. As I recall the animals became more aggressive the closer together they were crammed in.  I can totally relate to the little critters and I believe it’s why our society as a whole is becoming so violent. I would kill to live out somewhere in a small rural town where there are a few people to throw a hand up at as you drive by, but they aren’t in your face every second of every day.

My dream would be to go back to school – some place like UT Austin, or maybe a little smaller and study History, English, and Psychology. I would love to pursue the psychology of history. And I love English simply because I’ve always been incredibly good at it.

My favorite shows on tv are always the ones about history, criminals, and paranormal activity. I know, I’m an odd duck in my interests. “Ancients Behaving Badly” is one of my favorite shows. People like Nero, and Caligula and Ghengis Khan were powerful and terrifying. And that’s fascinating. I’d love to study these people and their surroundings to figure out how they came to be the way they were, what was going on around them and how the common people related to them. Even people like Hitler and Stalin fascinate me in my need to understand them on a psychological level, and how common everyday people could see what was happening and not act. I’d like to see events through their eyes and try to understand. I feel like so many of those ancient events could help us to better understand the people and dynamics of those currently in power.

I know this post doesn’t sound like one of depression and hopelessness but here it is. I have so many grand dreams, and no way to achieve any of them. I’m 41, dead broke, and living with my parents. There is no future for me and I’m so tired of the day to day grind. I pray every night to remain in the realm of dreams, but every morning I awake to face another day of failure and hopelessness. I’m just so tired, and I want it to end.

Random Ramble

I haven’t old and grouchy mused for some time now. Lord knows there’s been plenty to grouse about, but I just haven’t felt like putting fingers to keyboard. Being old I can’t remember what I last blogged about so I’m going to vent what’s on my mind, and if it’s a repeat well, welcome to old age.

Back in December I was offered a temp job for a well known O&G company in Conroe, which is north of Houston. The pay was really low so I didn’t think the job would be that difficult. Boy was I wrong. The first thing that I learned was that they’re in the middle of a software conversion. Well that’s no big deal, I’ve been through them before.  But unlike most companies, who have IT departments working with the new software vendor to provide training and technical expertise, these guys have zip. “Here’s your new system. Figure it out.” Needless to say, that isn’t going well and they are still trying to pay invoices from September and October.  Vendors are not amused.

And it isn’t just accounting that’s having difficulty with the system.  It has the same flaw as my last employer had – it relies on people to complete a string of steps, each of which must execute perfectly, in order for the final step in the process to take place. Accounting is always the final step in the process so naturally we get tasked with clearing the backlog. So accounting clerks have to sort out problems in procurement and receiving. In addition to being unfair, it’s also damn near impossible. There’s no accountability in those departments so there’s no incentive for them to lift a finger to help. Figuring out who dropped the ball, and who they report to in order to properly motivate them to correct it, is a time consuming process. And hundreds more invoices roll in every day. The worst part, is the pay rate is that of an entry level clerk. What we do is sure as hell not entry level, and they’re having a heck of a time finding competent people. They’re trying to recruit major league players with minor league salaries.

To make things more interesting, the decline in oil prices is causing layoffs all over the city. In order to properly motivate us, a big wig came from corporate to meet with us. This woman had the unmitigated gall to brag that by underpaying people in boom times, they were able to retain more in lean times. So in order to not lose our jobs, we need to learn to do more with less. As a temp, I just laughed. The full time employees were miffed. Upper management clearly performs their own colon exams, by sticking their heads up their own…yeah. Seems to be a requirement of management.

Another criteria of management seems to be utter cluelessness. In my last job, the Director called us in to inform us that they’d hired a new Supervisor for us. “She doesn’t know anything about the job or the industry, but she’s real nice. We think you’ll like her.”  This describes my current supervisor as well. She has no idea how to do the job so if you have questions there’s absolutely no one to turn to. You’re expected to get the job done, but not given any direction as to how.

All of this is frustrating, but not impossible. But again, this is not an entry level clerk job. So this past week another company came calling, willing to pay significantly more and I took it. I start in a week. My current company is not thrilled that I’m leaving, but they just don’t pay enough to keep me. In addition, this new company is better positioned to weather the current economic storm.

So that’s the story on the job front. Other than that, this has been a suck cold and flu season for me. I was sick over Christmas and again this past week. How one human body can produce so much snot is completely beyond me. My lungs are the worst though. Every time I breathe out, it sounds like I have pop-rocks in my chest. I’ve coughed until my back hurts. I’m on the backside of this illness though so hopefully I’ll be back to full strength and well employed soon.

Happy Nude Year!

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My last post was really negative and I considered deleting it. But then I thought that this blog is for me and that is what I was feeling at that time, so it stays.

But I’m over my mad and have moved on – for now. That was Christmas Eve. Christmas day was ok, except that I started coming down with a cold. That made the Friday at work afterwards totally suck. I mean, it was busy and I got through it, but I felt like I’d been hit by a bus. I spent the weekend in bed with my sweet kitty cat. Monday, back at work was difficult but by Tuesday I was feeling almost human.

I still like my job, but I’m getting bored. Due to the holidays, they’re moving really slowly in getting me set up on the accounting system so I’m temporarily demoted to mail sorter/distributor. For some reason, the mail volume really fell off on Monday and Tuesday so I was bored stupid.

The ladies there made me laugh because they were upset that they couldn’t leave early on the day before a 2 day holiday.  At my prior job they’re working until 5 tonight, they’ve asked for volunteers to work tomorrow – New Years Day – and they have mandatory overtime for the weekend. These ladies just have no clue how good they really have it.

So today is New Years Eve and I’m off.  I’m spending today playing on my computer. At work the last few days I’ve taken a notebook to work in while I had nothing to do. I worked on the bio-girl story a bit and decided that my character is really depressing. She’s middle aged, single, alone and has been unlucky in love and in life. She gets fired from her job, a birth announcement from her sister – who is married to the man who left the MC, a bizarre gift from her first love and she’s harassed by the thugs in her slum apartment complex – all in the same day. It pushes her over the edge and she kills herself, but she even fails at that when she somehow miraculously wakes up whole from a headshot wound.

Now, after she goes through all that, the thugs break into her apartment and attack her. She manages to kill one in a most unusual manner – basically mummifying him by sucking all the nutrients from his body – but the other two escape. She has no choice but to flee.

Now she’s in her beat up old Ford Escort, which is on it’s last legs, making a run for it. She has no friends or family to turn to, no clue why she didn’t die and limited financial resources.

This is the part of the story that I don’t know what to do with. The strange gift from the ex-love is the cause for her transformation, but she doesn’t know that. He’s hunting her to  get his gift back. I want the story to take a paranormal slant but I can’t figure out how to do it without making the story too complicated. I’m thinking perhaps I should start with something a little more formulaic and less complicated while I practice my art. I think I make the subject matter way too serious – and it is – but I don’t necessarily think that it has to be.

At least I’m writing something, and thinking about the process so I’m pleased with that.  I set up Wattpad and CreateSpace accounts that I’m going to explore while I work. My goal is to someday be able to supplement my income with my writing. It’d be really cool to be a professional author, but I don’t think that’s feasible honestly. I’m older and I don’t have the time or money to really pursue writing as a career, but it could be a lucrative hobby.

So for the New Year, my goals are to a) hopefully get hired by the company I’m contracting with, b) pay down some debt and put a little bit toward savings, c) work on my writing. And while nudity isn’t my cup of tea, if it works for you, go for it!

See you in 2015!

Damn It Mother

My mother is the most irritating person on the planet. My Dad gets on my nerves from time to time but mostly we get along fine. My mother on the other hand, I can’t bear to be in the same room with for any length of time.

First there’s the issue with the television. She controls the remote, no matter what. My Dad and I could be sitting in the living room, watching a show we both like, and she’ll come into the living room, take the remote from which ever one of us has it and announce, “Let’s see what else is on” before proceeding to change the channel. Rude? Of course, but it gets better.  After scrolling through the guide channel for ten minutes, she’ll park it on something that neither Dad nor I have any interest in, and then leave the room. I swear to God.

Sometimes she can’t even be bothered to park it on a channel but instead leaves it on the guide, and leaves the room. Or she’ll put it on a show that she knows that Dad and I both despise – like QVC.  And she has the unmitigated gall to throw a tantrum at us if either of us dare say anything. I don’t watch tv anymore – for this very reason.

The TV isn’t even the tip of the iceberg. She and I fight constantly over laundry. Every time I do a load of laundry, she suddenly decides that she has to do her too. The washer is like 1000 years old and sounds like someone is torturing a field mouse every time it’s run. In order to use fabric softener, you have to wait for the rinse cycle to start, before you add it. Mother doesn’t use fabric softener so all of her stuff feels stiff and nasty, like sandpaper. I like my stuff soft.

Sometimes I don’t hear when the rinse cycle starts and it gets through the entire wash cycle. I go back and re-run the rinse in order to add the fabric softener. My mother will wait until I miss the rinse cycle and then run in and throw my clothes in the dryer. All she would have to do is call upstairs (which is where I hide since I can’t stand to be in the room with her, and which is why I don’t always hear the start of the rinse cycle) and I would come down and finish my laundry. But no, she just can’t wait.

That brings me to another reason why I’m convinced that she does this irritating shit on purpose. She does her laundry on Sundays. I know to have my stuff clear of the washer and dryer on Sunday because that is her day, and I have no problem with that. Except that when I start to do my clothes on Saturday, well then that’s suddenly the day she has to do laundry. Now that I’m working again and only have weekends off, when the hell am I supposed to do laundry if her day is any day I try to do mine.

So I haven’t done laundry in almost a month and I’m suffering from a dearth of clean underpants. It’s Wednesday, Christmas eve, and I’m off work but my Mom isn’t so I begin to tackle my mountain of laundry. The washer and dryer are old, as I mentioned before, so doing laundry takes a really long time. Plus my Dad and I ran some errands in the middle of the day so laundry lasted well into the night. I put a load in the washer at 9:30pm and head upstairs.  About 10:45pm I remember it and rush downstairs. She has already thrown my clothes – sans fabric softener – into the dryer. My light is on, she knew I was awake, and yet she fucked up my clothes – again. I’m convinced she does it just to start a fight. I can think of no other logical reason for any rational human being to behave in this manner.

My list of grievances could go on for days, and I realize that I’m no saint, but I think I generally try to avoid conflict, while she goes out of her way to start it. My father and brothers will tell you the same thing. This a horrible thing to say on Christmas Eve, but I honestly detest the woman, and if she weren’t my mother I would have written her off a long time ago.

And some nasty, petty part of me – which I clearly came by honestly – is really looking forward to choosing her nursing home.

Writing Frustration Ventilation

Have you ever had the desire to do something and just didn’t know how to get started? I’m a wanna-be writer who can’t seem to write anything to save her bloody life.  Part of the problem is that I have so many ideas floating around my noggin that it’s like grasping at straws in a tornado. And even if I manage to grab on to something for a time, it’s awfully hard to hang on to.

How does anyone go about finding out if they even have any sort of talent for writing? I think my lacking is not in the writing so much as it is in the story telling. I can’t think of a story that I want to tell all the way through. Words are never the issue. It’s the ideas.

The advice is always to write about what you know.  When I sit and ponder this, I come to the depressing conclusion that I really don’t know much. I mean, I’m an introvert who loathes people and longs to live the life of a hermit. I got up. I ate. I read a while. I took a nap…etc.  That makes for a very short story.

I guess I’ll keep thinking on it, and try grasping a few of those straws in the tornado of my mind. Maybe my introvert can be dragged, kicking and screaming, into a quest to save the world. That would be hell, which might make for a decent story.

More thoughts later.

Tonsa