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I decided to burn up one of my four remaining personal days to take a mental health day from work.  The day to day aspect of my job really isn’t all that hard. Sometimes the carriers have to lift product that isn’t in telapoint, or the correct account isn’t available for selection and it’s a simple matter of going into PDI to make a correction. It’s tedious but I could sit there and do it all day – assuming I don’t develop a wicked case of the sleepies, which happens from time to time. 

No, what frustrates me is that they’re foisting more and more supervisor level responsibility on me without even asking.  Yes, I’m reasonably competent and can do the job, but you know what?  I really just don’t want to. I hate running reports, trying to figure out why things aren’t importing, and dropping whatever I’m doing every time Corporate sends me an email demanding to know why such and such order is all jacked up.  I signed up to be a processor – not researcher extraordinaire. If there’s an error on an order on my account, I don’t mind going in to look at it and see what happened.  I know my account and my carriers and it’s usually not that difficult for me to figure out and correct what happened.  But that’s rarely the case.  Usually it’s on accounts that I know absolutely jack about but they expect me to stop what I’m doing and figure it out right the hell now. My boss is the one who told them to contact me with every error they find. There’s only one person on my team with less seniority than me, but I’m the one they picked to be the supervisor backup and Corporate’s personal bitch.  Did anyone ask me if I wanted the responsibility?  Are they paying me any more for it?  Do I ever even get so much as a “Thank You?” No.

I know that I should be flattered that they think I’m competent enough to handle the added responsibility but here’s the thing: I don’t want any additional responsibilities.  I don’t mind my job, but my heart certainly isn’t in it. I don’t want the raises and promotions and the responsibilities that come with them. Ok, I wouldn’t mind the money but they can keep everything else.  I dream of doing something bigger and better and all I need is a job that keeps me afloat and doesn’t completely stress me out while I pursue my dreams.

My Dad is my usual confidant in these matters but he would tell me to suck it up, do the job and give up on my dreams.  Stability is the most important thing.  And I know he has a very valid point, but I’m a dreamer and this reality sucks. I don’t want to work, I want to live.  It’s not as though I’m the partying type or anything but I’d like to go to book conventions and take a writing course or two. I’d love to go to Seattle and spend rainy days creating strong but vulnerable characters who spend dark days in pursuit of the occasional ray of light. Ha! I’d write stories that are a metaphor for my life. But I would like to leave Texas and live somewhere with seasons other than hot and holy mother of god.

Maybe Dad’s right and I should stop tilting at windmills and just concentrate on earning a living doing the job I have.  Knowing someone’s right and liking it are two completely separate things. But today I’m taking a day off from life to spend time tilting at windmills, hoping to find that elusive ray of light.