I haven’t blogged in a while because there really hasn’t been much to say. My life is work and home, pretty dull stuff. I have been trying to do some writing, but it all comes out as complete crap and I lose interest quickly. I just haven’t found my spark, that story that I want to come home to everyday.
My mother is starting to put subtle pressure on me to move back in with her and dad. It’s not overt, just subtle hints that Maybe if I’d stayed home I’d have money to do more things that I enjoy. Sure, I’m broke. If I have any sort of emergency I’m screwed. But after a day of dealing with people that I can’t stand I can at least come home to some peace and quiet, rather than go home to two more nagging, disdainful, disapproving asshats – whom I love very very much. My life is a day spent at work being treated like a moron by upper management. My parents love pointing out my every failing in life and how much of a disappointment I am to them. I need a place to be alone, even if it costs me everything I make to keep it. That’s not to say that I’m not completely stressed out over every expense (this week it was food or gas) but some sacrifices are worth making.
Depression is hitting me hard right now. I turn 40 in a few months and my life certainly hadn’t turned out as I’d dreamed. In school I was a straight A student and everyone thought I would go far. Social media sites like facebook really rub in my failures – especially when I see people who’d I’d expected to end up in prison with happy families and successful careers. I’m sitting in a 1 bedroom apartment alone trying to decide what else I can cut out of my budget so I can afford to feed my cats. I’d starve before I let them go hungry. I know, I have strange priorities.
The thing is, I am reasonably intelligent so why can’t I figure this out? There’s got to be lucrative work for someone who’s intelligent but just not very people savvy. I think that’s my major drawback. I loathe interacting with people and go out of my way to avoid it when I can. It’s not that I think I’m better than others it’s just that being around people is exhausting, being on guard, making sure to smile, laugh pleasantly, nod agreeably…It’s horrible. Working in an office full of women everyone’s all friendly and laughing one minute and then ripping you to pieces the next. I admit I do it too. I have to to survive. I try to get my headphones on and my head down to avoid interaction when I can but I just so do not even want to be there. It’s like taking a beating every single day.
I’m getting a brief reprieve this morning because I have a dentist appointment. Who knew the day would come when I’d chose the dentist over anything? I’m getting my permanent bridge today for a tooth I strongly suspect didn’t need to be pulled in the first place. But what’s done is done. They can’t exactly put it back. It cost me $3200 to get it done too. I had to take out a 5 year loan for a tooth. I wish I was kidding.
I just feel perpetually overwhelmed. People always say, “Oh, it’ll get better eventually.” When exactly is “eventually?” I’ve been waiting for almost 40 years. I’m ready for “eventually” to be now.