I’m in the throws of a wicked case of depression and hopelessness. Yesterday I left yet another accounts payable job. I always find myself bored, frustrated and easily stressed out. That’s what happened at this last job. I knew before I even started that it wasn’t going to last. The manager was one of those women who talk constantly but never actually say anything. She’s one of those people that if she can’t dazzle you with brilliance, she’ll baffle you with bullshit. I typically don’t do well with people like this. I find that they’re busy running their mouths but when it comes right down to it, they don’t know what the hell they’re doing. This was definitely the case at my last job, and I don’t have the good sense to not point it out to them. I guess therein the fault is mine, not hers. But I’m out a job, again.
I need something that challenges me on an intellectual level, but is not so impossible that it drives me insane. Problems drive me nuts and like a bulldog on a bone, I just cannot let go. While my intelligence and dogged determination can be invaluable on the one hand, my inability to let things go, to take things personally and to flame out fast counteracts those positive attributes.
In addition I have a very hard time dealing with people. Generally speaking, I loathe the whole of humanity and would give anything to live the life of a hermit. In this day and age it isn’t exactly feasible and I am not suited to a life living off the land. I went for 9 straight years getting stung by a wasp at the front door of my home every summer. I’ve been attacked by a bird in my own driveway. Nothing says “Good morning” like getting smacked upside the head by a little fluffy bird while walking to your car for the morning’s commute. Essentially, nature and I are not friends so a life of living off the land would end badly. But that doesn’t change the fact that I long to win the lottery and live out my days in relative isolation. Oh and by the way, a cat got that bird later in the day. I do love cats.
Even though I don’t particularly like people, I tend to be extraordinarily good at in interacting with them. Most people would describe me as “intelligent and funny.” Yes, I’m smart enough to use humor to deflate the situation and prevent myself from pummeling you. Go me.
The core of my problem is money. I need it. I want it. And I thoroughly suck at earning it. There are things that I would like to do – move to a college town, become a life long student, travel across Europe – but I can’t because there’s never any damn money. I think location is a huge part of my problem. I live in one of the largest cities in the US, and I hate people. I’m surrounded by them and there’s no escape. I vaguely remember in college a discussion on rat studies concerning overcrowding. As I recall the animals became more aggressive the closer together they were crammed in. I can totally relate to the little critters and I believe it’s why our society as a whole is becoming so violent. I would kill to live out somewhere in a small rural town where there are a few people to throw a hand up at as you drive by, but they aren’t in your face every second of every day.
My dream would be to go back to school – some place like UT Austin, or maybe a little smaller and study History, English, and Psychology. I would love to pursue the psychology of history. And I love English simply because I’ve always been incredibly good at it.
My favorite shows on tv are always the ones about history, criminals, and paranormal activity. I know, I’m an odd duck in my interests. “Ancients Behaving Badly” is one of my favorite shows. People like Nero, and Caligula and Ghengis Khan were powerful and terrifying. And that’s fascinating. I’d love to study these people and their surroundings to figure out how they came to be the way they were, what was going on around them and how the common people related to them. Even people like Hitler and Stalin fascinate me in my need to understand them on a psychological level, and how common everyday people could see what was happening and not act. I’d like to see events through their eyes and try to understand. I feel like so many of those ancient events could help us to better understand the people and dynamics of those currently in power.
I know this post doesn’t sound like one of depression and hopelessness but here it is. I have so many grand dreams, and no way to achieve any of them. I’m 41, dead broke, and living with my parents. There is no future for me and I’m so tired of the day to day grind. I pray every night to remain in the realm of dreams, but every morning I awake to face another day of failure and hopelessness. I’m just so tired, and I want it to end.