I’m still unemployed. Yes, I know it’s only been three days, but I have no leads and that worries me. The problem is, as it’s always been, that I have absolutely zero idea what I want to be when I grow up. Considering that I’m 41, I know that it’s past high time I figured that out. I’ve been thinking about it a lot the past few days.
For a long time I’ve fancied that I want to be a writer, but when I sit down to write I produce crap. I’m also an avid reader so I know crap when I see it and am therefore qualified to proclaim my work as such. As in real life, I have no idea as to the direction I want to take a writing life. I don’t know what to write about, and I’m uncertain that I could, even if I did. Plus there are so many wanna be writers out there that I realize I just don’t possess the drive or ambition to get out there and compete.
I’ve been considering other interests – like working in Academia. I miss my college days but I realize that while I enjoyed the rigors of being a student – at least in subjects that interested me – I don’t quite possess the skills to teach it. Standing in front of a room full of people would be mortifying and if some arrogant jerk challenged me, I know I’d completely fall apart. I’m not good at remaining calm and confident in those situations. I tend toward red-faced and flustered or worse, tears.
I tried teaching on the elementary level several years ago and it was a smashing failure. I got banned from a school because a child in my care wandered off and got lost. Clearly I’m not good with the young ones so I thought perhaps teaching on the high school level might be better. And then I came to my senses. I mean, teenagers, really? I didn’t like them when I was one. They are the quintessential example of rudeness and disrespect, plus you also have to deal with their parents. No thank you. And in this age some of them can be quite dangerous.
So then the bright idea occurred to me to get a master’s degree and teach on the JC level. My reasoning was that if students were paying for it, then they’d take it more seriously, but who am I kidding? In addition it would mean taking the GRE and taking 2 years of graduate classes. How would I pay for it? The closest grad level college is over an hour commute away. I’ve had no luck with online courses. I can work full time or go to school full time. I just physically can’t do both. After a long day at work, I come home and pass out – literally. I’m so exhausted that I’m asleep by 7pm. That would be a lot of work to save until the weekends. Besides, when I’m working full time I’m usually so exhausted that I sleep through those too.
And if I somehow managed to figure out the financial angle, what would I study? History? Psychology? English? I’d need to brush up on any of them honestly. I don’t think I know enough to jump in on a Master’s level for any of them, and I’ve no idea how I’d get letters of recommendation that programs seem to require. I don’t know any professors any longer – and as a socially phobic introvert, networking has never really been my strong suit.
So I’m languishing, trying to decide if I want to be a broke receptionist or a broke office admin. Unfortunately crawling up in a whole and disappearing forever isn’t an available option at the moment.