So yesterday was a spectacularly horrible day.  It was the third day of a new job with a great company. The company was great, the people were fantastic. The problem was the job itself.  Accounting just boggles my mind. I completely freaked out and literally ran out on the job.

I was afraid that would happen and in my gut I knew that I just shouldn’t accept the job. Mom and Dad haven’t said anything to me about my lack of gainful full time employment, but I know them well enough to know they’re thinking it.

I’m actually glad they haven’t been down on me about it too much, because honestly I don’t think I could handle it. My depression has been severe of late and the desire to end it has been strong. You see, I’m 41 and have zip to show for my life and little hope of that ever changing.  I can’t hold a job. I still live at home. I have cardiomyopathy, diabetes, lupus and major depression.  My parents don’t believe in mental illness or lupus and they think that if I ate right and exercised that the cardiomyopathy and diabetes would take care of themselves. They may be right. But if I have to choose between a cookie today and death tomorrow or living forever on a diet of leaves and dirt, it’s been nice knowing you.

But the pressure and anxiety of being jobless, in debt, and guilty for being a burden on my parents is seriously starting to weigh me down. I feel almost panicky, like I’m trapped in a rut and can’t escape no matter what I do. I have 100 more reasons to commit suicide than I do to keep fighting to live. I guess the bottom line is that I’m a lazy coward. What if I kill myself today and I was destined to win the lottery tomorrow?  Highly unlikely I realize, but the thought crosses my mind. And I’m just afraid it will hurt. What if I survive? That would be a nightmare and God knows the way my luck runs, it’s more likely than you think.

When people try to talk others out of suicide they always tell you to think of the people around you, and I have.  It might be rough in the short term, but honestly I think long term everyone would be better off.  I don’t have a family of my own, and I’m not a major influence in my nieces lives. As a matter of fact, I’m probably a negative influence – an example of what not to be when you grow up, so my departure while they’re still young might be a boon.

And it would be difficult on my parents at first. I mean, emotionally it can’t be easy to lose a child.  To them I’ll always be a little girl – not the fat, lazy, terminally unemployable adult that I am now. Long term though my mom could decorate the house any way she wanted, it would stay clean and they wouldn’t have to continue supporting me financially. If it weren’t for them, I would have died when my heart failed 15 years ago. Honestly they’re the only reason I’ve kept going as long as I have. I’ve always believed that it would fall to me to take care of them when they’re older but now I realize that I’m not kidding anyone.  I can’t even support myself and without them I would be totally lost.

The real reason I don’t check out is that deep down, I’m a coward at heart. I’m still slightly more afraid of dying than I am tired of fighting. But every day the scale shifts a little more.  I’m waiting for the justification – the day my parents come down on me and tell me to get off my lazy ass, find a job, and stick with it no matter how completely overwhelmed and stressed out I am. I’m waiting for the day when my mother comes down on me again about how she worries about what will happen to me when they’re gone. When that day comes, they will have finally given up on me and it will then be ok for me to give up too.

The sad part is I’m looking forward to that day. All I need is the excuse and I’ll check out of this plane of existence once and for all. Peace at last.

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